I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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