I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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