1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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