I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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