My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
