Where did you get a picture of my penis
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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