Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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