My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
