The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
