I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
