can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
