grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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