i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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