apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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