do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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