Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
