dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
