I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
