His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
