Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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