totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
