hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
