dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
