there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
