I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
