This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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