Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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