Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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