Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
