he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The uberlube is also flammable
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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