I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
