The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
