just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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