last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
