I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
