I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
