my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
