i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
