Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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