We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
