I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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