I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
