My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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