The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
