I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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