I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
