god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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