Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
