I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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