the condom got lost in my hair
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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