She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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