Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
