I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
