the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I love you.
Bad choice
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